I grew up in a Christian home with good values, but conflicting ones aswell...?

especially in terms of uality. My parents would radically change any potentially ually implicit scene on tv, but next thing, publically kiss/makeout in front of me from a very young age. This went on for years when I lived at home. On the same front, the church kept pumping the messag that fornication is wrong, that should be exclusive in marriage only,etc. My teens came along and unbenounced to my grandma, she would mail me copies of a teen magazine from where she lived, as a loving gesture. Those teen magazines included ual topics such as , to how to get your boyfriend to want you/have ,to protection. Mom got wind of the magazines (since she loves reading anything and would rob my magazines). As a result, she later stopped grandma from mailing them to me. However, I wasn't 'protected' from - cousins, friends, tv all had it and I was curious and later learnt how to pleasure myself. I moved away from home at the age of 16 and then discovered . In the meantime, I used to have a few casual 'kissing' sessions with boys, but most turned out to be painful since I didn't know how to have a proper relationship/nor did they want it. So, I was drummed up into wanting to have sex, but even from afar, the loud teachings re NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE scared me and to this day, in my late 20s, I am still a virgin. I have had options to sleep with men,but run away since it's almost second nature now. When I think relationship, it's equivalent to marriage, but all I really want right now is sex, then relationship. There's so much responsibility in marriage and because of my career and constant travelling lifestyle, it's almost impossible to have a stable relationship. Never mind keep up with friends/develop new friendships or even have a good fellowship to stick to. I have a very good male friend who loves me and is patient with me. He would like to be in relationship with me. I care for him, but I'm scared because he knows I want sex and so does he with me, but 'sex is wrong before marriage' is what echoes in my brain. I still look at ography from time to time so, there's obviously a two thinking patterns here. I want to do right, but I also want to be true to myself. Most people don't know that I'm a Christian and repeatedly would ask if I was one (if I tell them I am one). There's no reason for them to wonder since I'm not talking sexually, blaspheming, nor stealing, lying, sleeping around, speaking vulgarity, being lazy, dressing provocatively..etc. I don't do anything like that, but since I'm not openly using church terms, it seems to be why they wonder about my faith. It's weird. Also, I don't get to keep going to any particular church since I'm constantly moving because of my job. I'm going to be visiting my good male friend in about a week and sex is likely to come up. He's the only male friend who's always been there for me but also whom I would be in relationship with. I have a few others, but I don't feel anyway as attracted to them as I do with this guy. We bound on many levels. What scares me is that if I am true to myself and sleep with him a few times, (as absurd as this sounds) if something went wrong and I didn't survive, I wouldn't inherit the Kingdom of God. (Christians would understand this...) I've never had a boyfriend because of this and I've been evading this issue for years whereas the reality is, I want to have sex.